I often wondered why I’ve never told my parents whenever i got bullied. (No, I’m not trying to portray the image that I’m the weak little princess that needs protection all the time nor am i trying to act pitiful. I don’t get bullied all the time, just sometimes.) And i often wondered why I’ve never told them that it hurt real bad when they tell me I’m fat. I also wondered why I’ve never told them it doesn’t matter if it’s a joke or if they didn’t really mean it. Of course they didn’t mean it, I’m their precious little girl. Why would they mean it? Yet often, I’ve wondered why i didn’t tell them it hurts the same.

Yes, i admit. I’m fat. But i didn’t choose to be like that did i? So I’m not one of the lucky ones that ‘could not grow fat no matter how i eat’ nor am i one of the ones that is born slim slender. I was born bigger than other babies because i wasn’t healthy and has never been slim all my life. Yes i might not be the most hardworking girl who exercise all the time but i don’t sleep all day or stuff myself with food all the time either! I eat normally and in normal quantity and live life normally! And yes i do have a mirror thank you very much and my eyes works perfectly well so do you have to tell me I’m fat like i cannot see for myself?

So leave me alone already!

For some reasons, i shared with them a little story of my stay in a childcare center when i was much younger and fatter.

From what i can remember, there are 2 girls and 2 boys which are the main characters of my story. They are the ones i have to spend the most time with.

G1 : older than us at that time so she mostly join us during lunch and tuition
G2 : My classmate whom i don’t really know
B1 & B2 : Kids at the tuition center

I remember forgetting a remedial class that afternoon and went along to take a shower. Back at the tuition room, the teacher asked, “Jasmine, how come XX went for remedial and you didn’t? I thought both of you are in the same class?”

“I’m sorry. I forgot.”

G1: “This kind of things can forget one meh? Can you forgot your name anot?”

“Shut up.”

G1: “You shut up.”

Surprisingly, the teacher didn’t say anything. Useless bitch i must say.

Strong word isn’t it? “Bitch”. Don’t blame me. I guess i kind of really dislike her.

She once told me “Jasmine, can you don’t make your voice so teh. At least XX is cute and the voice suits her lor.”

Teh : meaning yang orh. Like kids go all high pitch and whiny in an effort to appear cute.

XX is another girl whom has a very teh voice.

The voice was my natural voice and she told me that in front of so many students.

How would you feel if it’s you?

Sometimes, the teacher will bring us upstairs to play. I specially bought along a box so that they could catch whatever bugs they want. In a way I’m trying to suck up to them, desperate to be accepted.

G1: How? Wanna catch what?
Me: Butterflies?
G1: Don’t want la, catch the big ants!
Rest: Okays!

I tagged along and we caught quite a few. The box was placed at a bench where i was sitting when B1 came to take a closer look.

Accidentally, he knocked it over and the rest approached to see what had happened.

The cover had came off and ants was crawling everywhere. Our efforts are gone.

G1: My gosh, What happen?
B1: She la! Jasmine knock it over one!
Me: It wasn’t me! It was B1!
Rest: Don’t lie la, must be we don’t let you catch butterflies that’s why you knock it over to take revenge.

They wouldn’t let me play after that.

Other times, instead of catching bugs, we’ll play the infamous catching game. There’s once when G1 started crying and refusing to go back to the tuition center and she was insisting that XX was the catcher and stuff.

Since i was nearer to G1, i tried to comfort her.

“Don’t cry la.. it’s just a game.”

Instead, she turn around and said.

“Shut up you fat girl.”

I muttered, “I was just trying to help..” and turn away. I didn’t want anyone to see me crying. It hurt so bad.

In the end, they blamed me again. Jasmine is the one who made them fight and made G1 cried. Even the teacher didn’t bother to defend me.

As i told my parents the part of “Shut up you fat girl.”, i was expecting sympathy.

Instead, they laughed. Straight in my face, they had laughed.

“Now you also know you’re fat ah?” my mother had said.
“shut up you fat girl, hahaha” my father had laughed.

I ended my story there and then. Reminded of why I’ve never told them about it. Feeling the stab of hurt in me. Feeling stupid because I’ve started to teared. Telling myself I’m such a baby.

Back in the car i tried to act normal, to joke and my mother laughed and said, ” HAHAHA, fat girl ah, Yah lor, you’re really so fat last time. blah..”

I gave up acting and look out the window. Silent as i tried to hide the fallen tears.

It had hurt so bad.