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A walk in the rain

When was the last time you walk in the rain?

No, not the walk in a drizzle for 5 minutes kind of walk in the rain. I’m saying full blown downpour cats-and-dogs walking in the rain until you’re practically dripping droplets from your hair with your clothes tight fit kind of walk in the rain.

Not the run your way home while cursing kind of walk in the rain either.

When was the last time you walk in the rain and smile at their dance?

Damn, i was too late. Should have brought my umbrella.

Should i run? Damn this rain is heavey.

(folded my jacket and tuck it into my bag.)

(grab my hairband and tied my hair into a ponytail)

Here goes nothing.

(walks out into the pouring rain)

Clothes drenched. Hair dripping wet. Eyes are staring. But i kept walking. Not hurrying, but instead slowing down. I sneezed and shiver from the cold.

But in the end, all i could think of was..

it felt good.

 

It kind of hurts.

I often wondered why I’ve never told my parents whenever i got bullied. (No, I’m not trying to portray the image that I’m the weak little princess that needs protection all the time nor am i trying to act pitiful. I don’t get bullied all the time, just sometimes.) And i often wondered why I’ve never told them that it hurt real bad when they tell me I’m fat. I also wondered why I’ve never told them it doesn’t matter if it’s a joke or if they didn’t really mean it. Of course they didn’t mean it, I’m their precious little girl. Why would they mean it? Yet often, I’ve wondered why i didn’t tell them it hurts the same.

Yes, i admit. I’m fat. But i didn’t choose to be like that did i? So I’m not one of the lucky ones that ‘could not grow fat no matter how i eat’ nor am i one of the ones that is born slim slender. I was born bigger than other babies because i wasn’t healthy and has never been slim all my life. Yes i might not be the most hardworking girl who exercise all the time but i don’t sleep all day or stuff myself with food all the time either! I eat normally and in normal quantity and live life normally! And yes i do have a mirror thank you very much and my eyes works perfectly well so do you have to tell me I’m fat like i cannot see for myself?

So leave me alone already!

For some reasons, i shared with them a little story of my stay in a childcare center when i was much younger and fatter.

From what i can remember, there are 2 girls and 2 boys which are the main characters of my story. They are the ones i have to spend the most time with.

G1 : older than us at that time so she mostly join us during lunch and tuition
G2 : My classmate whom i don’t really know
B1 & B2 : Kids at the tuition center

I remember forgetting a remedial class that afternoon and went along to take a shower. Back at the tuition room, the teacher asked, “Jasmine, how come XX went for remedial and you didn’t? I thought both of you are in the same class?”

“I’m sorry. I forgot.”

G1: “This kind of things can forget one meh? Can you forgot your name anot?”

“Shut up.”

G1: “You shut up.”

Surprisingly, the teacher didn’t say anything. Useless bitch i must say.

Strong word isn’t it? “Bitch”. Don’t blame me. I guess i kind of really dislike her.

She once told me “Jasmine, can you don’t make your voice so teh. At least XX is cute and the voice suits her lor.”

Teh : meaning yang orh. Like kids go all high pitch and whiny in an effort to appear cute.

XX is another girl whom has a very teh voice.

The voice was my natural voice and she told me that in front of so many students.

How would you feel if it’s you?

Sometimes, the teacher will bring us upstairs to play. I specially bought along a box so that they could catch whatever bugs they want. In a way I’m trying to suck up to them, desperate to be accepted.

G1: How? Wanna catch what?
Me: Butterflies?
G1: Don’t want la, catch the big ants!
Rest: Okays!

I tagged along and we caught quite a few. The box was placed at a bench where i was sitting when B1 came to take a closer look.

Accidentally, he knocked it over and the rest approached to see what had happened.

The cover had came off and ants was crawling everywhere. Our efforts are gone.

G1: My gosh, What happen?
B1: She la! Jasmine knock it over one!
Me: It wasn’t me! It was B1!
Rest: Don’t lie la, must be we don’t let you catch butterflies that’s why you knock it over to take revenge.

They wouldn’t let me play after that.

Other times, instead of catching bugs, we’ll play the infamous catching game. There’s once when G1 started crying and refusing to go back to the tuition center and she was insisting that XX was the catcher and stuff.

Since i was nearer to G1, i tried to comfort her.

“Don’t cry la.. it’s just a game.”

Instead, she turn around and said.

“Shut up you fat girl.”

I muttered, “I was just trying to help..” and turn away. I didn’t want anyone to see me crying. It hurt so bad.

In the end, they blamed me again. Jasmine is the one who made them fight and made G1 cried. Even the teacher didn’t bother to defend me.

As i told my parents the part of “Shut up you fat girl.”, i was expecting sympathy.

Instead, they laughed. Straight in my face, they had laughed.

“Now you also know you’re fat ah?” my mother had said.
“shut up you fat girl, hahaha” my father had laughed.

I ended my story there and then. Reminded of why I’ve never told them about it. Feeling the stab of hurt in me. Feeling stupid because I’ve started to teared. Telling myself I’m such a baby.

Back in the car i tried to act normal, to joke and my mother laughed and said, ” HAHAHA, fat girl ah, Yah lor, you’re really so fat last time. blah..”

I gave up acting and look out the window. Silent as i tried to hide the fallen tears.

It had hurt so bad.

 

I miss… you?

Today is my last day at Bintan Resort Ferries.

I thought I’ll be happy, but.. i don’t really know what’s going on but.. I’m feeling kind of sad. ):

Uncle Mahmood specially sat beside me for a long chat today. It’s one of the stories telling session. This makes me sad.

He asked for my number and told me that we must keep in contact. This makes me sad.

He came back just to talk and sit with me and HX when he’s supposed to leave. This makes me sad.

He reminded us to drop by the office whenever we happen to pass by. This makes me sad.

Wendy & Yock harn

Wendy came and wished me all the best. This makes me sad.

Yock Harn joked with us. This makes me sad.

Frank told us no matter what we do in life, always remember to have fun. This makes me sad.

Din is the dude on the right.

Din bid us good bye. This makes me sad.

Uncle Yip wasn’t around before i leave because he’s on board supervising some repairment of the ferry. This makes me sad. 

I return the security card. This makes me sad.

I entered my dad car and we drove away.

I am really sad. ):

 

Sometimes, i’m just so emo.

Make way, cause the emo kid is back.

This has been added to my deviantart.

 

Protected: I’m just so sick of it all.

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Yes, i’m so in lurve with you.

Thought i’ll just post something while i wait for the animes in youtube to load. (:

First of all, the dreaded week is over! Whoooohooooooooo! I slept till 4.30pm this afternoon. Now that show how freaking shagged i was the whole week. Seriously, it’s insane. Whoever comes up with the idea of exams is really seriously sick in the head. He/She better be dead or i’ll personally see to it myself.

It’s our one year anniversary. How time flies. Let me sidetrack abit, it’s isn’t really one year anniversay. We arn’t really together for just one year. If you really want to be particular of how long we’re together, it’s about one year and a month plus. I have no idea why i’m telling you this but yeah.

Anyway, he’s really sweet. He bought me so much stuff! Treat to sushi buffet, charms, necklace, belts, cheesecake, jacket, blahhh. Whatever i want or even lay my eyes on, he’ll be fishing for his wallet and halfway to the cashier. He must be feeling really generous.

But no, it’s not because he showered me with gifts that made me happy. Its the feeling of happiness and bliss when i’m with him that made me smile.

You know what? I really think that sometimes, true happiness is simply knowing that he loves you with all his heart.

Updated:

Anime still not done. ):

And ahhhh!!! It’s his grandma birthday tommorow! What am i suppose to wear? What must i do over there?! All his relative will be there! *FAINTS*

Monday is the IPP. WHAT SHOULD I WEAR?!

 

Pull the trigger.

Damn damn damn damnnnnit!

My head freaking hurts. Feel like it’s going to burst.
vulgurities is going to spin in my room tonight.

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i hate tonight.

 

Just so you know,

Click on the picture for a larger version. 

 

Happy birthday to me.

yeah. happy birthday to me.

 

Rainy nights.

On nights like this,
i like to sit quietly on my bed.
Eyes on the droplets falling from heaven.
Ears hearing to their soulful song.
They always sing.
So beautifully no words can describe.
The way they dance with the wind,
So harmoniously.
The way they touch,
So gently.
The way their scent float across this land,
so softly.
Such beautiful things.
Their song soothe me
like a mother would to a child,
i’ll lay here ever so content.
Until dreams surround me,
and i’ll kiss their song goodbye.

 

This has been added to my DeviantART.